Once Nigerian Politicians Are Bellyful, The Economy Is Okay -By Isaac Asabor

In Nigeria, you do not need the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS) to know how the economy is doing. Forget the Central Bank’s figures; ignore the World Bank’s warnings. We already have a simpler and more reliable measure: once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

This, unfortunately, is not satire. It is the unspoken formula that has guided governance for decades. Over 200 million Nigerians may be battered by hunger, unemployment, and despair, but those realities count for nothing once the ruling class is fed and satisfied.

Step into any village and you will find families rationing meals, mothers skipping food for their children, and youths roaming with empty stomachs. Yet turn on the TV and see a politician, his cheeks round and tie choking his bulging neck, declaring that “no one is hungry.” Why? Because once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

When garri costs more than bread and rice is priced like gold dust, Nigerians scream. But politicians do not hear. Their cooks buy the food, their allowances pay the bills. Inflation, to them, is an opposition rumor. Because once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

Citizens queue endlessly at filling stations, but convoys glide past, engines roaring, air-conditioners blasting. Politicians never queue. Their tanks are always full, their generators always humming. So in their books, fuel scarcity does not exist. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

Every election cycle, promises rain like confetti. Jobs, food, electricity, healthcare, all pledged, none delivered. Yet politicians still congratulate themselves, boasting that democracy is yielding dividends. The dividends, of course, land in their pockets. Because once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

This stomach-driven definition of progress is an insult to common sense. A true economy is measured by the wellbeing of the many, not the waistlines of the greedy few. But in Nigeria, the refrain echoes louder than the cries of the people: “once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.”

At this juncture, permit this writer to scornfully present a mock report, written as if by the politicians themselves. It is titled, “The Stomach-Based Economic Report of Nigeria”.  And here it goes: “We, the guardians of democracy and custodians of the treasury, proudly declare that Nigeria’s economy is strong and flourishing. The evidence is clear: our bellies are full. Therefore, the nation is doing well.

“Opposition members claim that families are boiling stones to trick babies into sleep. We examined our dining tables and found no such evidence. Our fridges are stocked, our banquets frequent, our waistlines intact. Hence, hunger does not exist. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“Citizens complain that a bag of rice costs more than a month’s salary. But at our dinners, rice is plentiful, wine flows, peppersoup steams. Therefore, inflation is exaggerated. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“People queue at filling stations under the sun. But our convoys never lack fuel, and our mansions never lose light. We enjoy uninterrupted power from diesel giants funded by “security votes.” From our perspective, scarcity is a myth. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“The youth shout about joblessness. Yet, employment is booming. Have we not employed thousands as aides, assistants, praise singers, and “special advisers”? Clearly, jobs exist, once you know the right politician to kneel before. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“International bodies say 133 million Nigerians are poor. We laugh. Our wallets are heavy, our allowances intact, and our foreign accounts swelling. Who, then, is poor? Poverty is simply a foreign concept. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“Critics say democracy has brought suffering. Lies! We have new SUVs, mansions, and foreign trips. If these are not dividends of democracy, what are? Nigerians should celebrate that their representatives are eating well. Once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.

“We hereby advise Nigerians, to tighten their belts, while we loosen ours after banquets. We hereby advise them to be patient as crumbs may fall from our tables someday. In fact, they should pray more as divine intervention is cheaper than governance. Also, they should clap louder as their collective applause sustains our appetite.

“Dismiss the lies of hunger and despair. Look only at us, your leaders. Our cheeks are round, our bellies protruding, and our belts struggling. This is the truest evidence of economic growth. For “once Nigerian politicians are bellyful, the economy is okay.”