Empire Of Ego: How Narcissists Manipulate Relationships And Ruin Lives -By Ibrahim Aliyu

We live in a time when confidence is praised and standing out from the crowd is often encouraged. People are told to promote themselves, show their achievements, and build a strong personal image. While these qualities can be positive, they can also hide a more troubling personality trait known as narcissism.

Who are narcissists? Narcissists are not always easy to recognize. In many cases, they appear charming, confident, and successful. They know how to impress people and attract attention. At the beginning, they may seem like natural leaders or inspiring personalities.

However, as time goes on, their behavior may begin to change. Relationships can start to revolve around their needs, their opinions, and their desire for constant admiration.

Psychologists describe this pattern of behavior as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a personality condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for praise, and a lack of empathy for others.

Although not everyone with narcissistic traits has this disorder, its effects can still be serious, particularly in close relationships and social environments.
According to the recent global research by the National Institutes of Health and PubMed Central research findings and clinical reports on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the disorder affects a small but significant portion of the population. Studies estimate that between 0.5% and 6.2% of people meet the clinical criteria for the disorder, with a global average of about 1.6%, meaning roughly one in every 200 people may live with it. Beyond clinical diagnosis, however, narcissistic tendencies are far more widespread. Psychologists believe that 15–18% of individuals may display noticeable narcissistic traits such as an excessive need for admiration, a strong sense of entitlement, and a tendency to prioritize self-interest.

Age appears to influence how these traits manifest. Research shows that narcissistic characteristics are more common among young adults, where about 9.4% show stronger tendencies, compared with 3.2% among people aged 65 and above.

The report, which also appeared in findings by eCare Behavioral Health Institute and The Recovery Village, emphasized that gender and social factors also play a role in the distribution of the disorder. Studies indicate that men account for as much as 75% of diagnosed cases, with about 7.7% of men and 4.8% of women showing significant symptoms in some research. The condition is also reported more frequently among unmarried, divorced, or separated individuals, with around 9.6% of single people showing traits compared to 4.9% of married individuals. In clinical environments, the prevalence can be higher, and many individuals with NPD also experience related challenges such as substance use disorders, depression, and borderline personality disorder, underscoring the complex psychological realities behind the condition.

Although Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not formally classified in psychology as having fixed medical stages, researchers often observed a recurring behavioral cycle in how narcissistic individuals manage relationships. This cycle frequently begins with an idealization phase, where the narcissist appears charming, attentive, and deeply interested in the other person. During this stage, they may offer excessive praise and attention in order to gain admiration and emotional attachment.

Research also shows that individuals with narcissistic traits often create strong first impressions because their confidence and social boldness can initially be perceived as attractiveness or leadership ability (Back, Schmukle, & Egloff, 2010). As the relationship develops, the dynamic may shift into a devaluation phase, where admiration is gradually replaced by criticism, emotional withdrawal, or manipulation. At this point, the narcissist may attempt to dominate the relationship through behaviors such as gaslighting, blame-shifting, and emotional control, patterns linked to the empathy deficits associated with narcissistic personality patterns (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

In many cases, the relationship may then move to a discard phase, where the narcissist abruptly withdraws or ends the relationship once the partner no longer provides sufficient admiration or challenges their self-image. However, the cycle may not always end there. Some narcissists later attempt to re-establish the relationship through what psychologists informally describe as “hoovering,” a behavior in which the narcissist tries to draw the former partner back through renewed charm, apologies, or promises of change.

The following accounts come from individuals across Nigeria’s six geopolitical zones, sharing their personal experiences with narcissistic behaviour in different social and relationship settings. For their safety and privacy, all names used are pseudonyms and identifying details have been removed.

For one survivor, Abubakar Umar from Bauchi State in the North East, the experience felt deeply damaging. In his words, “the only difference between narcissists and terrorists is arms and ammunition that cause physical harm. While terrorists gun people, leading to bloodshed on the streets, narcissists use the venom in their minds, expressed through their words, to inflict emotional pain, raise blood pressure, and contribute to conditions like
hypertension and depression.”

In her account, Abigail Amos from Jos in the North Central region, who was once married to a narcissist, shared: “Only a person who has survived a narcissist can truly tell the story. In fact, people often do not believe you when you try to justify that they are narcissists and this is what hurts the most. They will exhaust you physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. They are good at hurting you, and when you react, they turn around to blame you, using guilt to make you feel at fault. Even for my worst enemy, I pray their path never crosses with a narcissist. When I finally left, I realized how I had survived for many years. I lost myself completely. At one point, I even stopped going to work because depression hit me so hard,” she stated.

Another source, Halima Shehu from Kano State in the North West also shared her experience, which left her deeply frustrated. “Narcissistic individuals always seem to find a place at the high table. Their mindset stands out, not in a positive way, but often in the most irritating manner. They appear to get away with being cruel because they are skillfully manipulative and audaciously rude.

Pardon the bitterness in my words, but I honestly struggle to tolerate such behaviour. My encounter with one was unpleasant. He wasted my time and verbally insulted me simply because I did not understand his description. I felt disrespected and annoyed. However, as the saying goes, ‘when you argue with a fool, you only prove there are two,’” she recounted.

Narrating his experience, Ayomide Oluwatobiloba from Ogun state in the South West region shared that “I learned something else about narcissists, the older they get, the worse they become, I’ve lived with one for over three decades, I learned about the condition two years ago, I used to think I was the one with a problem, doing everything to please the two legged creature,” he said.
Joy Benson from Rivers State in the South South recounted that, “When I dey Delta State, I get one friend, Blessing. She is a hardworking and serious girl, but her papa na narcissistic man. From wetin I see, the man like control everything. Him word must be right, even if e hurt.

Small mistake, he go shout, no dey listen. If Blessing mess small, he go insult am, call am useless. For outside people, he go act like good father, gentle man. But for house, na different person.
Blessing dey try please am, but e no dey enough. Anything she do, the man must still blame am. I even begin wonder if na her real papa. All Blessing want na small love from her papa, but instead, she dey live in fear every day because of that kind father,” she said.

Nnamdi Ekechukwu from Enugu State in the South East revealed that, “I had a friend I trusted deeply, not knowing he had narcissistic traits. I noticed it when he tried to create problems between me and my female friend whom I had a good rapport with. He became jealous because he thought I loved her, while he secretly had a crush on her.

Instead of being honest, he spread rumours that I was in love with her and that I was chasing away her boyfriends. Nna, see wahala.
She lost trust in me, accused me wrongly, and our relationship scattered. Later, I found out it was my friend who caused everything. He did it to separate us so he could get closer to her.
That betrayal pained me well well. I never expected someone close to me to destroy my name and relationship just to satisfy his feelings,” he said.

To protect yourself, it is important to set clear emotional boundaries, this means deciding how you want to be treated and not accepting disrespect. You should also be careful about sharing personal information, since such people may use your secrets against you. Understanding that they may lack empathy helps you avoid expecting kindness from them, which can reduce disappointment.

It is also helpful to seek support from trusted people like friends, teachers, or family members who truly care about you. Talking to someone supportive can rebuild your confidence. In some cases, creating distance from toxic individuals is necessary to protect your mental health. Overall, surrounding yourself with kind and respectful people, while standing up for your feelings, helps you stay emotionally strong and confident.

Narcissistic abuse does not always leave visible scars, but its damage can silently break confidence, trust, and identity. Do not ignore the signs, and do not excuse repeated harm in the name of love, friendship, or respect. Set your boundaries, protect your peace, and walk away when necessary. Speak up, even when it is difficult, and stand by those who may not yet have the strength to do so. In the end, no relationship is worth losing yourself over. Choose your well-being and choose to break the cycle.

Researched by Ibrahim Aliyu Gurin from Kano, ibrahimaliyu5023@gmail.com, Nasir Yusuf Jibril from Bauchi, nasirjibril2018@gmail.com and Bilyaminu Gambo Abubakar from Jos, bilyaminugambokonkol01@gmail.com.